That Horne Song

(parody of my last days posting at the JFK Education Forum several years ago )

Twas in another forum, 
one of trolls and duds 
Where alteration is a virtue
and the facts are covered in mud 

I came into that wilderness, 
ready to be reborn 
“Come in,” they said, 
“but only if you believe in Douglas P Horne" 

"Douglas P Horne", they said, 
"you can rest assured" 
Has all the answers, 
and his book is bigger than yours
 
In a world of Liftons and Larsens, 
and others fighting over cow turds 
“Come in,” they said, 
“We'll give you a Horne among the herd” 

Not a word was spoke in reply, 
there was little I could invoke 
Alterationists like to prod and poke 
Try imagining a place where it’s always fuzzy and warm 
So long as you follow the wisdom of one Douglas P Horne 

I was burned out from exhaustion, 
just trying to hoist a sail 
Poisoned in the trenches 
and blown out by hate mail 

Hunted like a crocodile, 
ravaged like a Sanibel unicorn 
“Get out,” they said, 
“you're no follower of Douglas P Horne” 

Suddenly I turned around 
and they were standin’ there 
With Lifton pins in their lapels 
and Horne fairy dust in their hair 

They walked up to me like Marion Morrison 
and shook my purple haze 
“Stay away from here” they said, 
“the mods will have their way” 

Now there’s a wall between us, 
no more members to the fold 
While a new generation is doing 
the zed film shuffle, getting rhythms crossed 

Paying homage to Lifton and Fetzer 
but most of  all to Horne 
“Just stay away,” they said, 
“we've got sheep here to be shorn” 

Well, the mods walk on egg shells 
while Horne's sales are paramount 
Yeah nothing really matters much, 
it’s dollars alone that count 

And the one-eyed manipulator 
he pitches with a fork 
“Come in” they said, 
“if you can sell more books by Douglas P Horne” 

I’ve heard newbie posters wailin’ 
like a Texas Lawyer 
And old men with old ideas 
still getting all the favors 

Do I understand your question, man, 
is it hopeless and forlorn? 
“Stay away,” they said,                                                                                                                  “you're an agent out to get the good Doug Horne” 

In a little forum post, 
I made one too many roasts 
"Authors are off limits", they said 
an’ they again set me on the frog and toad 

I offered up my evidence 
and got repaid with scorn 
“Get out,” they said, 
“you can't say that about Horne” 

Well, I’m livin’ in a foreign country 
so I’m bound to cross the line 
Facts walk a razor’s edge, 
someday that'll be fine 

If I could only turn forward the clock 
to when that day is born 
I'd say, come on in, come on in, 
it's a big tent for one an' all